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SANDY DUNCAN AND HER WHEAT THINS CON
by Malvolio Rutteledge

Growing up in the projects. Poor white trash. Dad gets drunk and beats mom. Just TV
dinners to eat. Generic cola and tap water to drink. As a kid, I had nothing but a black
lump of coal inside me. To shut out the misery of my surroundings, I'd sit and watch the
TV set---for hours. But through all the hell that I lived through, one thing seemed
always, unfailingly, to give me some hope---The Wheat Thins commercials that Sandy
Duncan used to do. Her bright face, her sunny environs, her confidence in life, made all
my emptiness -- for those two minutes -- disappear.

She held a Wheat Thins out to all of us, the TV audience, as if the key to the happiness we all had been denied. Just to be happy, spirited, joyful that once. Redemption delivered by a snack cracker.

And a smiling attractive woman, Sandy Duncan, like a fairy godmother, an angel, a lover, taking us in her arms and telling us it would be alright, Wheat Thins would make the pain go away.

My ten year old mind wheeled in ecstasy! The good life! Just from eating a Wheat Thin's and smiling. I could already feel the love and warmth coursing through me! Sand-Duncan-Peter Pan, would lead me through the abyss of the horror of my childhood. We'd snack on wheat Thins together!


I bought my first box of Wheat Thins when I was ten years old. I had saved up my week's allowance to buy one box. Back in those days, Sandy's bright and pretty face was on the box. Yet after I consumed a few Wheat Thins my parents started fighting again. I ate the whole box and the police pounded on our front door, called by neighbors complaining about a domestic dispute.

There you were Sandy, your bright and pretty face--- your teeth white from all that milk you drank--- right on the box----but the pigs are putting dad in handcuffs They're leading him down the stairs. You're smiling Sandy, but mom is in tears. Something snapped inside me Sandy, something died.

Twenty years later. Two broken marriages. I'm a problem drinker, my counselor tells me.

And you know what keeps running through my mind? It's the pain that I went through to try and make my life as bright and sunny as those Wheat Thins commercials with Sandy Duncan. Where was that sunlight in my soul? Where was that feeling of safety which was the promise of your crackers, Sandy?

Sandy Duncan, you stole my childhood. You warped my adolescence and destroyed my mature years.. Your fucking Wheat Thins never gave me the happiness you promised Sandy, though I ate those snack crackers for years. My meaningless life is over Sandy, and I blame YOU.
posted by Non at 2/02/2004 02:49:00 PM