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Saturday, January 19, 2002
hint from Hell-oise: if you must resort to using glue traps, fear not! there is a way to free the little bugger once you take them far away from your abode. simply annoint their tiny feet in pure vegetable oil. it will take them a while, but they will eventually work themselves free. of course if they leap through the trap and only get stuck by the tail they will run wildly through your house shreiking, banging into things, scaring the cat half to death. do cats have a half-life or is that only if they've been exposed to radiation? anyway, if the critter is caught only by its tail, simply take it to a nearby apartment building, annoint said tail and flee. then return to your homestead and fulfill the insatiable need to boil cabbage. lots and lots of cabbage. Thursday, January 17, 2002
According to the Catholic Church, these are some symptoms of possession. Apparently a large part of the populace is in fact possessed. Does this sound like you? It is much better in the victim's mind, to hide away from everyone. The victim feels that no one understands them. They feel all alone, almost as if in a different plane of awareness that no one else has access. Sometimes internal voices urge the victim to do things that is against their nature. It comes to the point where it is impossible for the victim to discern if the action or thought is originating from their own being or from the demons inside. A feeling of insanity tortures the victim and hopelessness is the only life they know. They become puppets of the evil one. Personal appearance, dress, house chores, bills that need paid, and life in general are of no concern to the victim. The victim views their own life as an unproductive waste and death is welcomed. The victim can find no reason for existing. No longer is the victim able to see good in themselves; even though they want to be good, they feel damned. Every moment of torment, of being damned, is like an eternity for the victim. Will it ever end? No one can comfort this poor soul, and heaven forgive those who add unnecessary torment to this soul when in such a state. There is no way to describe this torment unless it is experienced. so far my book and video sales are just not enough to finance my robot army and secure world domination. where are those infernal w2s? last night i brought home some yummy d-con for the visitor in my closet. my roomate freaked. he was convinced that the mouse would eat it, then the cat would eat the mouse... or the mouse would drag the poison to somewhere the cat might find it. this comes from the person who found delight in the squealing of mice caught on a glue trap. selective compassion, one of my least favorite human traits. pick your battles, pick who to pity and cottle. these can be found even in me. disgusting. Tuesday, January 15, 2002
yes, but last night you couldn't get away from that asian/bowl-cut/extra row-of-teeth guy at the asian grocery. "what you need!!!?" he hollered as he sprinted to greet us. "you know no one in states can spell viet-nameeezz name? i write it on paper for them, and we talk on phone. no one can speel my name!" at that point i slipped away to find a few things, knowing full well i would be punished when we got back out to the car. then you somehow got away from that thing that kept touching you and swearing that no one in the states could speel. (you didn't even have to chew off a limb!) i went to the checkout and he asked me 3 times "if i finished." i had caught a whiff of that seafood smell all asian groceries seem to have and started coughing. he then declared "YOU SICK!" i'm probably a carrier of that "no know how to shpell disease" Sunday, January 13, 2002
Installation instructions for the 48666(TM) chip. (TM - Eternal Damnation Enterprises) ------------------------------------------------- 1. Open your computer out of direct sunlight behind closed curtains. 2. Using the static strap supplied, remove the 80486 chip from it's socket on your motherboard and place it in the static-proof envelope. Not that you'll ever use it again of course. 3. Remove the strap and take out the 48666 chip. Don't worry about static, nothing in *this* Universe can harm it. 4. Wait for the ring of wailing and gnashing of teeth to subside. By this time the smell of burning flesh and blood should have gone and your vision should no longer be tainted with red. 5. Place the 48666 chip in your socket, making sure to put it label side down and index mark away from index point. 6. Wait for the screaming of eternal damnation to subside 7. Withdraw the power cords from the back of your machine and monitor. You won't be needing those anymore. 8. Remove any sound cards (Adlib/Soundblaster etc) and disconnect the internal speaker. There are some things you just don't want to hear. If the computer wants your attention, believe me, it'll get it. 9. Disconnect any heat or smoke detectors in the immediate vicinity as these have has a tendency to trigger these for some reason. This is a known bug and nothing to worry about. POWERING ON ----------- 10. To power on the machine, simply reach for the power button as if to switch the machine on. WARNING: Don't attempt to switch the machine off unless it has told you to do so WARNING2: Don't ever touch the control key. Best not to even give the illusion that you have any control. Better still, pry the keycap off or prefix "Control" with "No". (Make sure the words NO *never* get worn off) 11. The startup tests should run in the following order: Evil 1 thru 64 Pure Evil 1 thru 64 Pure Concentrated Evil 1 thru 12. You will notice that the brightness and contrast controls no longer work on your monitor. Disconnecting your screen won't help either 13. Sooner or later you will realise that you can put as many floppies in the drive as you like, but none will come out. Ever. 14. Ever 15. To use Intuitive FTP(tm), simply consider the disgusting images you would like to view. You will be logged in via anonymous FTP to the ftp site that currently has what you require. 16. It's probably not a good idea to allow other people use your PC. Discourage them by hacking off their limbs with the rusty axe supplied. 17. Speaking of rusty axes, do not enter games like Adventure and Dungeon. Consequences of doing this are indeterminant. Does anyone have a use for Axe-Weilding Trolls and knive throwing dwarves? Thank you for purchaing the 48666 chip - it should provide you a lifetimes (hah!) service... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Notes: The 48666 chip is copyrighted, trademarked and otherwise protected. Remember, we might not catch up with you in this world, but in the next... Oh Boy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ |